"I now accept that my mental illness is just that, an underfunded medical mystery. It’s not my fault, and certainly not a measure of my self-worth or strength... No longer am I bitterly willing to suffer for the sake of stubborn struggling. I am open to receiving help." Published 4 Aug 2022.
"Reconnecting with my dog was one of those heightened, wonderful, and shocking emotional moments post numb eating disorder haze... the ultimate sign I was doing the right thing in healing... and found it remarkably cathartic to see her get excited about every meal." Published 28 July 2022.
"You do you and your diet, your hot girl summer, your “nature’s cereal.” That’s your business, but I sincerely hope you aren’t doing it because you fear “fat.” Whether you are or aren’t, let’s not discuss it at the table. Instead, let’s pull up a chair for health at every size."
Published 11 July 2022.
"There are various ways... depending on your relationship. My family members were direct... I would still be their sister/daughter at the end of it. I’m grateful to them now for seeing how trapped I was in my eating disorder. But when I was sick...I wanted to protect my eating disorder because I couldn’t rationally comprehend survival without it." Published 13 June 2022.
Wellness has become a $1.5T industry globally in everything from sleep, mindfulness, nutrition, fitness, and appearance to health.
"The industry wraps diet culture in aesthetic packaging to distract from its often non-medical health advice and promotion of restrictive behaviors."
Published 10 June 2022.
"The eating disorder instills in us a set of beliefs and rules to be followed. As the disease progressed, my personality shrunk into a withdrawn husk of who I was before..."
"Honesty blooms the day someone admits out loud that they need help. The recovery battle requires constantly defying the eating disorder’s manipulation." Published 1 June 2022.
My eating disorder made me a person of many faces and created a secret life. Eating “normally” in front of friends, being “easy-going,” never talking about my anxiety, having impassioned hobbies, and more. But there was the other face, the one that hid, lied, measured, worried, obsessed, calculated, feared. This essay exposes that secret me. Published 6 May 2022.
"Because I and my partner had a difficult time finding resources to add perspective for ED survivor’s partners, I wrote you this letter." Thank you for really seeing me. Published 21 April 2022.
As an ex-athlete and anorexia survivor, I'm unnerved by the pandemic-driven boom in fitness influencers and social media trends (hot-girl-summer I'm looking at you). In recovery I've reconciled "how diet culture has poisoned the way our culture views self-worth in relation to food and body size." Published 14 April 2022.
In four years I've lived on three continents. Before that, during the first half of my decade long struggle with anorexia, I was constantly traveling for sports and family. Nothing gets me out of my head quite like being in an unfamiliar place, but that doesn't mean the anorexia goes away too. Published 12 April 2022.
Body changes and unspoken struggles of restrictive eating disorder recovery, published 28 March 2022.
During weight gain and waves of what felt like never-ending extreme hunger, teaching myself about these changes was instrumental to avoiding relapse during weight restoration.
Heading into remission, but coming to terms with the lifelong diagnosis. Eating disorders don't go away simply because we stop using behaviors. Dealing with stigma, education, anxiety, and the pressing need to address the rise in ED cases during the pandemic. Published 23 March 2022.
Op-ed on college life and varying cultures published 22 March 2020 after evacuating Hong Kong twice due to protests and the COVID-19 pandemic.
A letter written to myself to Keep Going on 6 month recovery mark (30 March 2021) published 5 Jan 2022.
"Recovery is all about feeling this fear and reconciling it, by naming it and doing it anyway. It’s these little rebellions against our eating disorders that separate us from it and eventually give us our lives back."
Sharing my journey to recovery, published 25 Feb 2022 in honor of Eating Disorder Awareness Week.
I'm incredibly sad, distressed, and all the other feelings because NEDA has seen a 107% increase in calls since the pandemic began. Last year during NEDA week I wanted to express my solidarity for those going through an eating disorder. But I couldn't find the words to share what I was going through, how irrevocably it changed my life. This year, I was able to start embracing it.
A poem I wrote on a run (by whispering out loud over and over to remember the lines) in March inspired me to frame strength as what it means in recovery. "Without fear, Mental math... ED, let me be, I’m mesmerized by the new me... In the end, without my best friend, Numbers rewind, I can run again." Published 16 August 2022.